17:51 Aug 11 2014
Times Read: 626
I called my brother on the ninth- his birthday. It had been over two years since I had spoken to him. He seemed happier than last time, but was still doing basically the same things. He has diabetes and he says he's scarred on his face and arms because of it. But he still does the same things he did before. He still smokes, and he still eats the same things.
Even though he didn't sound depressed, he told me that when he talked to Beth (my grandma's friend) he told her that when she died, he wanted to go with her because he didn't want to be in this awful old world any longer.
He said he's doing a lot better since he got "the lord" in his life. He thinks I should become a Jehovah's Witness like the rest of the family.
No.
Why is it that I always have to be the one to reach out to my family members? I understand that he doesn't have long distance on his phone, but he has my address and could have written.
Why am I even asking? I already know the answer. They don't really care about me.
They either ignore me or criticize my choices. My cousin was critical of the time I spent with my friends. At the time, I spent time with a friend (anywhere from an hour to most of the day) one to three times a week. She was also critical that I didn't stay at home as much as she did. I would go to the library, go for walks, drive somewhere (this is when I had a car) or just go to a park and walk around or just sit in the park and read a book or watch the squirrels and people.
The reason for this is that I have a problem with depression and anxiety. I was told by both a psychiatrist and a therapist that I needed to get out of the house. I have a tendency to isolate, and that's when my perceptions get messed up.
I had some depression for a long time- since I was a child- and severe depression for many years. I am no longer on medication, but I am more actively fighting it. Some days are better than others, but when I am down, it doesn't last as long and is usually not as severe, and I am able to ride it out or pull myself out of it.
When I feel like isolating myself, I will sometimes give in to that, but more often I will make myself leave the house- even if it's just for a walk. There have been times I have walked down the street with tears streaming down my face, but I would always have a destination, and by the time I got there, I felt better- maybe not completely better, but better.
Spending time with friends helps as well, and spending time with them is how you build relationships.
At the time of her original criticism, my cousin lived in an apartment by herself and would just stay in her apartment for days talking to no one but me over the phone. She had friends, but she barely talked to them, and she rarely saw any of them. While there's nothing wrong with being a homebody, I could see in her (or hear, since it was over the phone) the same tendency I had.
She felt her apartment was a haven- she called it her sanctuary. I view my house as a trap. It's tempting to stay there, but it isn't always good for me. I'm still not a social butterfly, though. I mostly keep to myself and do solitary things when I go out.
The exception is spending time with friends. I see a friend once, maybe twice, a week, and sometimes not for two or three weeks, now. I can tell the difference. I feel a lot more disconnected and isolated. Everyone (including myself) is just busier right now, so we don't have as much time to spend together. I know what I'm doing right now will help me in the long run, so it's worth feeling a bit isolated. It'll be okay.
My brother has the same tendency. It sounds like he gets out more than he used to, which is good, but he's given up in some ways.
I wish I could make myself stop caring for these people. I get silence, criticism, or even abuse from them. I had to leave when I was a child because my mother couldn't (or didn't want to) care for me anymore, and neither my aunt ( the aforementioned cousin's mother) nor my uncle B and aunt L (married) stepped up to help. I had to find my own way out, which is how I ended up living here, 1200 miles away from the rest of them.
I'm glad he feels better, but I'm sure I won't hear from him again unless I call him. And after my mom died, I reached out to my family. My uncle had called to tell me the news, but after that, no one called. And I don't talk to my cousin as much because of how she's treated me. I often think I just don't belong in this family. I need to keep that in mind so I won't let them hurt me again.
COMMENTS
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Isis101
21:46 Aug 31 2014
Well - I already know that you write very well. Just do what comes naturally! *hugs*
NLW
02:54 Sep 01 2014
Aww. Thank you!